I am sure I have at least one other piece I have written along these lines, but I thought I would put one more up. Mostly because talking about this kind of thing allows me a certain level of catharsis that I do not normally have.
It is easy to let go of things. I mean, there may be an emotional attachment to a thing, like a comb. mirror or a book. But that attachment is not reciprocated. There is no returned need or want from that particular thing.
It cannot defend it’s perceived need for you since it is, as far as we know, not sentient or conscious in any way. Other than any invented emotions that we might assign it through our human need to anthropomorphize things, it has no self awareness.
People, on the other hand, are different. In many cases, we come to points in our lives where we sit back and have to think about some of the people in our lives and have to think about what role they play in who we are and where we are going. Then we have to decide if, on our sea of life, they are anchors, sails or rudders. I know that may sound like a strange analogy, but I heard it once and it applies well to the people in our lives. Let me explain.
Sails –
On a sailing ship, the sails were the key to movement. They were, and are still, crucial to the forward movement of the vessel. They capture he energy of the wind and propel the vessel forward. The more sails, within reason, the more force and propulsion the vessel has.
People in our lives that act as sails for us are people from whom we draw inspiration and drive. People who, through their actions or will of personality, give us the drive to succeed. People that have that unique ability to guide us without us knowing that we are being guided. People that provide momentum in our lives to move forward, not letting us let ourselves down.
They are important because they are the educators, the mentors and the family that believe in us when we have problems believing in ourselves, and we all have those moments.
Rudders –
Rudders, like sails, can guide your vessel, but are not used for the forward propulsion of it. They are there for the purpose of steering and pointing your ship in the direction that it needs to move.
If you know anything about sailing ships, you may be saying, “But sails can guide the ship too, they also provide steering!” And that is true, they do. But think about the people in your lives. While there are many people you can probably think of that guide and propel you there are also those that are good at steering you in the right direction, but really not doing much beyond that.
This is not to criticize them, pushing you to succeed may not be what they are good at, but offering advice or showing you that you are heading down the wrong path may be something that they are good at, which makes those people no less important than the people that we see as the sails in our lives.
These are people that can act as the occasional voice of reason when we are about to make a bad decision or set out on an unsafe path. Someone that might say, “Are you sure you want to invest everything you have in Pickle futures?”
Anchors –
Anchors are obvious. They are the part of the ship that keeps it where it is, but while and anchor is import as a literal part of a ship, as a vessel. For a person or people, whose nature needs them to keep moving emotionally, spiritually or socially, an anchor is rarely a good thing.
These anchors are the unfortunate people, and things, in our lives and many times the people that are the hardest to let go. Often they are people we care about the most, like family or friends. People that, for one reason or another, keep pulling you back.
Unreliable people that make promises that they continuously break, that say they will be there for you, but then when you look for them, they are nowhere to be found. People that show up when things are good, but disappear with things are rough.
Needy people, people that cannot crawl out of their own issues or darkness, who live for their own pain or failing. These people are our anchors and will keep us from our own personal successes.
When you run into these people or identify them in your lives, you should address them, understand them and then, if they are unable to move on and allow you to weigh them in, you need to let them go. Cast them off.
The nautical term for this is “Cut and Run”. But if you do this, understand that the person may have their own personal woes or issues. Do not abandon them, but make sure that you do not let their weight, weigh you down and prevent your momentum.
It is a hard thing to do, it can be emotionally wrenching. Something about the idea of releasing them feels like abandoning them, and to some degree, it is. But the choice is to hang on and let them pull you down, or let them go so that you can thrive and, in doing so, hope that they too will succeed.
But remember that, using the same analogy above, maybe you are THEIR Sail or Rudder… so do not turn from them completely. Be there for them, when they are ready, they will let you know and then you can be there for them.
As always. Thanks for reading.
Everyone is NOT a winner
By Samuel Wright
On September 29, 2017
In About my son..., Commentary and Critique
For some time, especially during the earlier part of this decade (201x), there was a lot of pressure put on schools and children’s sports groups to have an “Everyone is a winner” policy.
A good example of this is a flag football group that my son belonged to. While they did not come right out and SAY that everyone was a winner, each week they would give an award to one of the players for outstanding sportsmanship.
It did not really dawn on me that this is what was happening at first, and to be honest, I was more lost in the fun of watching my son play than actually paying attention to the awards part. But when I did see it, it was a bit of a shock to me and I felt a little disheartened.
It was about four weeks into the “season” when they were doing one of their little ceremonies that they picked out this one little boy as this week’s outstanding player. I did not know the name, but when the little boy came forward, I realized that this is the little boy that would never play. All he did was cry and throw tantrums. I remembered that there was one time that the coaches were trying to get him to play, so they HANDED him the ball and told the other kids to stay back and let him run. But all he did was sit on the ground with the ball and cry.
Even my son, who was five at the time came to me afterward and asked, “Why did he get an award, he never played.”
This is where I decided to make sure that I teach Gideon that this is not right.
I work hard to make sure that he understands that there are always going to be winners and loser. But that losing does not mean that you you ARE a loser. It means that you made mistakes and to try a little harder next time, or to try something else next time.
Until this flag football team that my son was on, I had thought that people had moved away from that whole “Everyone is a winner, just for trying.” mentality. Granted, trying is the main point and if you do not try, you do not even have a chance to succeed. So in that respect, credit should be given for taking the chance, for getting out there and for making the effort.
But no… You are NOT a winner just because you MADE the effort, and I was lucky in that my son could see this even at his young age. He could tell that if you lost, you lost. There are no rewards for failure and there is no victory lap for the losers.
He also understands that congratulations should go to the winning teams. When we have been places where we play against someone, and they win. He is the first one to go over and shake hands with them and congratulate them. If he is the winner, he is happy, and will jump around, but will always take time to complement the other player.
If it is so easy for my son, a six-year-old now, to understand this and to live that life, then why is it that the adults that run these programs and for the parents that participate in them to figure it out?
I have taught Gideon from the start that he will win some in life and will lose. I have told him that he will probably lose more than he will win and that is fine. That is it not about the loss itself, but about the way you handle the loss and how you express it to others.
Being a good loser and understanding that you lost means you try harder next time, is every bit as important, maybe more so, than winning and knowing that you did it all right. Right now Gideon seems to understand that, he will say things like, “Poppy, I know what I did wrong, I will get it right next time.”
I hope that he keeps that up. Keeps that mentality and drive, and does not let teachers or other parents take that away from him.
Thanks for reading.