As always, the new year bring about thoughts of the past, plans for the future, dreams of what we hope to accomplish and worries of things that might, or might not, happen.
This last decade was incredible and terrible. We had our first, and only, child. I lost many friends and gained very few to replace the empty places vactated by those departing. I had sickness that set me back, physically, quite a bit, suffered an incredible betrayal at the hands of someone I thought was a friend, and we lost my father-in-law in the closing months of the decade.
With past New Years celebrations, I, like so many before me and so many will continue to do, had fallen into the habit of creating a “New Years Resolution”. Those rambling self congratulatory promises that many of us make, to make us feel better about ourselves for a short period of time, and then make us feel bad when, typically about two months into the new year, we fall back into our old habits and forget those “resolutions”.
This year I have decided to actually MAKE the resolution a habit again, but not for anything new. I have decided to make a promise to keep doing something that I have already been doing, but to transition it into a lifestyle, going forward.
That resolution is called, simply… SCREW IT.
Many people that know me, know that I try very hard to help others. I have given so much of my time and energy to people that I do and do not know, to try and help them or help them help themselves. I do this never asking for anything in return and many times if someone DOES try to pay me back, I turn it down. I do that because I do not help people for my own benefit. Since I do not believe in a “Heaven”, I am not expecting brownie points for my good deeds to get some special table or audience with G-d or any other deity (yes, some may point out some implied hypocrasy in that I spelled G-d that way… it is out of respect and habit.) I do not think that, even if there IS a heaven, that it works that way anyhow.
But back to my point.
I have become tired of offering suggestions, helping out, putting my time out there only to not see the person, or persons, I am trying to help actually use, try to use, or appreciate the effort. I am also tired of not seeing some response from people that I try to help. No… I am not asking for praise or a pat on the back. I am asking for people to show respect for the efforts by improving themselves. Or by taking the advice or suggestions and working with them to try to make things better for themselves or those around them.
For example… if you come to me and ask me for advice to set up a page on LinkedIn for your job search and I help you, and I am talking about REALLY helping you, not just point out a couple things and let you go. But sit with you and walk you through everything and then, after all that, you tell me that you had your little brother do it for you… then yeah… I am going to be pissed.
If you ask me for help in getting a job, and I go out on a limb, find you a position and get you in the door and call in favors, and then you say, “Sorry, It’s not what I was looking for.” Then, again… pissed.
These are only two of a couple books of examples I have. And starting this year, it all changes. Altruism has it’s limits and this year, going forward, I have a limited supply.
I will still help. But the moment I see it is not going to be used by the person I am helping, or that the effort is going to be wasted, on my part, I am stepping back and saying…
Screw it.
Do I sound like I am being a little too harsh? Maybe. But we all know what I am talking about. If you are over 25 and have a good heart, you know exactly what I am talking about. Chances are that by 25, if you are one of those that feels good about giving of yourself, that you have had at least one time when someone asked for help, you spent your time with them, and then they went and did it their own way anyhow and, as seems to happen in the cases I recall, they fell on their face.
Yeah… that is what I am talking about, and I am done.
Yes… I know it is harsh. But I have my reasons. Mostly it is that I look at my life and see the investments I made in so many others at the expense of my own happiness and time. And while that is fine for family and the people close to me, it is not so much when I do this for people whose closeness is defined on what I can do for them and do not hear from them otherwise.
That’s all today.
Happy New Year and Happy New Decade.
Everyone is NOT a winner
By Samuel Wright
On September 29, 2017
In About my son..., Commentary and Critique
For some time, especially during the earlier part of this decade (201x), there was a lot of pressure put on schools and children’s sports groups to have an “Everyone is a winner” policy.
A good example of this is a flag football group that my son belonged to. While they did not come right out and SAY that everyone was a winner, each week they would give an award to one of the players for outstanding sportsmanship.
It did not really dawn on me that this is what was happening at first, and to be honest, I was more lost in the fun of watching my son play than actually paying attention to the awards part. But when I did see it, it was a bit of a shock to me and I felt a little disheartened.
It was about four weeks into the “season” when they were doing one of their little ceremonies that they picked out this one little boy as this week’s outstanding player. I did not know the name, but when the little boy came forward, I realized that this is the little boy that would never play. All he did was cry and throw tantrums. I remembered that there was one time that the coaches were trying to get him to play, so they HANDED him the ball and told the other kids to stay back and let him run. But all he did was sit on the ground with the ball and cry.
Even my son, who was five at the time came to me afterward and asked, “Why did he get an award, he never played.”
This is where I decided to make sure that I teach Gideon that this is not right.
I work hard to make sure that he understands that there are always going to be winners and loser. But that losing does not mean that you you ARE a loser. It means that you made mistakes and to try a little harder next time, or to try something else next time.
Until this flag football team that my son was on, I had thought that people had moved away from that whole “Everyone is a winner, just for trying.” mentality. Granted, trying is the main point and if you do not try, you do not even have a chance to succeed. So in that respect, credit should be given for taking the chance, for getting out there and for making the effort.
But no… You are NOT a winner just because you MADE the effort, and I was lucky in that my son could see this even at his young age. He could tell that if you lost, you lost. There are no rewards for failure and there is no victory lap for the losers.
He also understands that congratulations should go to the winning teams. When we have been places where we play against someone, and they win. He is the first one to go over and shake hands with them and congratulate them. If he is the winner, he is happy, and will jump around, but will always take time to complement the other player.
If it is so easy for my son, a six-year-old now, to understand this and to live that life, then why is it that the adults that run these programs and for the parents that participate in them to figure it out?
I have taught Gideon from the start that he will win some in life and will lose. I have told him that he will probably lose more than he will win and that is fine. That is it not about the loss itself, but about the way you handle the loss and how you express it to others.
Being a good loser and understanding that you lost means you try harder next time, is every bit as important, maybe more so, than winning and knowing that you did it all right. Right now Gideon seems to understand that, he will say things like, “Poppy, I know what I did wrong, I will get it right next time.”
I hope that he keeps that up. Keeps that mentality and drive, and does not let teachers or other parents take that away from him.
Thanks for reading.