The SamuraiMarine

Thoughts, Philosophy, Life and Love

Category: Humor (Page 1 of 3)

Are we dead yet?

So this is the day that the world is supposed to end.

If you are reading this, then it would appear that the Mayan’s were off a little or the joke was right, they simply ran out of room on the stone that they were using.  If the world has ended… then there is no one to read this and it does not matter anyway.

Have fun!

The Eeyore Complex…

I am the Samurai, and I have an Eyore complex.

They tell us from an early age that admitting you have a problem is half the cure.  Well…  there you go.  I have an Eyore complex.

For those of you who might not understand, I strongly suggest that you rent any of the Winnie the Pooh movies or shows and pay particular attention to the donkey.

That is not to say I am an ass, though there are many that would say that this is, indeed, the case.  It is more that I have a particularly self destructive and self deprecating personality.

I have never been the type of person to see the good in myself or my accomplishments.  It is just my nature and has been for so long, that I really do not know how to be any other way or how to teach myself to grow out of it.  So I have learned to incorporate it into my sense of humor and overall personality.

There are certain places that I cannot mold this personality defect into, though.  I mean, would you take someone who nicknamed themselves or had a website named “SamuraiEEyore” seriously…  That is, of course, assuming that you take me or anything I have to say, seriously.

Wait… do not answer that.  Let me have my moment of fantasy here.

But you see… there is a certain amount of good in being “Clinically EEyoric”.   This is to say, always understanding that you are a magnetic well for all misfortune in the universe.  It means that you grow up learning that there are certain truths in the universe that pertain only to you and affect only you, or so it might seem.

It is almost like being, dare I say… a Super Hero…  at least in the sense that I seem to have the knack of taking away the bad luck of others and absorbing it myself.  So would that actually be a Super Hero, or an Anti-Super Hero?

In reading up and doing a bit of research on the “Eeyore Effect” and the “Eeyore Complex”. it appears that there are a few others out there that seem to share this gift.  I will not provide links to the sites that I have found, though I will say that they are easy to find if you to your searches right.

Now… I shall retreat to my secret lair and plot my next feat… coming up with a “Battle Cry”…  Fare thee well!

Kicking the can.

What is our fascination with kicking things?

I was watching a program the other day and I watched as one of the characters went out of his way to kick a can that was in the road.  When I saw this, I felt myself kind of chuckle at it and think that what he did was silly.

Then it dawned on me… that this was something that I did…  Not just years ago when I was a child, but now.

Since watching that show, a show that I am now completely unable to recall the name of, I have been paying more attention to this, and I am now noticing more people that will kick stuff while walking.  Not just the obvious things, like cups, cans, etc.  But these people are kicking rocks, bottles and things like that.  So the condition is serious, it would seem.

I think that I shall try a little experiment.  Several people walk through the parking lot where I work on a daily basis.  I see people walking to and from lunch, walking for some exercise whilst on their breaks, walking to get the mail.  I wonder… if I were to buy a box of cheap golf balls, and place one strategically in the middle of the driveway, how long would it be before someone kicked it?

I think I will start this once the weather warms up. Maybe in May.

If I do this, I will post the pictures I take on here and keep all of you informed.

Meat Loaf and Commercialism

I like Meat Loaf… both the dinner kind and the musician, but for the sake of this I am speaking of the musician, Marvin Lee Aday… aka Meat Loaf, for the topic at hand.

As I said, I really like his, Meat Loaf’s, music.  I have been listening to his work for about as long as I can remember and the first Album I owned by him was, of course, Bat Out of Hell.

So tell me, please.  Who in the world told him to do the “A1” steak sauce commercial that I just had to misfortune of seeing for the first time?  It was bad enough that someone told him he could act, but that was excusable since it was done at a time when it seemed that everyone wanted to get into acting.  Thank god that never spread to Ozzy Osbourne.  Could you imagine him trying to play the part of say an action hero?  Some Rambo type character?

But going back to Meat Loaf, He has proven himself at a very capable and versatile musician.  For his music, there is actually little I can say bad about it.  The only song that I do not really care for is “Anything for love”, but my reason for not liking it is not his fault… it is the fact that the radio stations played the crap out of it and it seemed like almost every television program, commercial and movie decided to use that particular song.

So… I see this commercial with Meat Loaf, eating meatloaf and then pouring A1 on it and singing “Anything for love.”  So not only did this commercial have to have Meat Loaf eating meatloaf… read into that anything you want, but then it had the single song that he released that I cannot stand.  Now, however I have a new reason to not like it and this time it IS his fault.

*  Thank you Sara for pointing out my error in the difference between Meatloaf and Meat Loaf as opposed to referring to both as Meatloaf.  Therefore I have edited the above article to differentiate the Meat Loaf and the Meatloaf.

Why are farts funny?

Tonight I decided that, since my stomach was still not quite at 100% since this bout with what I can only assume was a stomach flu, I would go to the Subway Sandwich shop here by my home.  Not a long drive and the fresh air… well… as fresh as Bakersfield can grant, would do me some good.

Upon entering and subsequently waiting in line behind the woman who probably single handedly inspired Carol from a slightly demonic version Brady Bunch, whose six children might have been models for  “Chucky” and whose ability to control them was slightly akin to Captain Binghamton’s ability to control Lt. Mchale  (Yes… I know most of these analogies are lost on anyone younger than thirty…)  Her and her kin were waiting for their food to be made when “IT” happened.  During one of the critical moments of public sandwich-making when children are present, happened.  The sandwich guy’s Mayo jar ran out.

Anyone who has been in a Subway when this happens, knows what that means.  Yes… the Mayo jar made a rather loud sputtering sound.

It was at this time that one of the kids happily announced to no one in specific and everyone in general that… “The sandwich guy farted!”

This had the effect of turning the already noisy group of children into a now laughing group of children sounding something slightly similar to what Pee Wee’s playhouse might sound like on laughing gas… oh… never mind.

To make matters worse, the now very self-conscious sandwich guy made the sound three more times… in the ever-efficient effort to get every last drop of the mayo out of the jar.  This, in turn, evoked a chorus of laughs and giggles… now not just from the children, but also from the few other adults that were there as well.

Yes… even me,  mister stoic… the gruff, 40 something former Marine, started to smile at this point.  For me, however, I think I was smiling more at the way the sandwich guy was looking at the children.  With that fake smile, hiding the sudden desire to start practicing Hannibal Lecter’s craft in the kitchen, beginning with the little starting lineup of the might munchkin football league that he had in his dining room.  All he was missing was the quiet time, fava beans and nice Chianti.

It was about this time that he, the sandwich guy, announced that he had to go get more Mayo, then went to the back.  Either to actually GET mayo, or to contemplate his new career as a serial murderer and cannibal.   This I do not know, as the sandwich gal who was working with him took over and finished making the sandwiches for them and then, myself.

The woman and her small restaurant assault team went off valiantly to ransack the Domino’s pizza next door.

I saw no further sign of the sandwich guy that night… I hope the rest of his evening went better, and that it did not end with him having his partner for dinner with beans and wine.


Note to the reader… some of the events may have been embelished for the entertainment of the reader.

Maybe Salvidore Dali was right!

This world really is a strange place.  It seems like everything that we do and see does nothing more than prove this point these days.  In fact, I have to stop and wonder if maybe the ones that can truly see things as they are, are not the ones that are usually cast aside as being crazy or eccentric.  Those that see what, to many, appear to not be there.

So the question arises…  did people like Salvadore Dali or Pablo Picaso see things as they might really be, and you and I are the ones seeing things the way we would like them to appear for the sake of keeping ourselves sane?

Don’t get excited, these are not serious questions, they are just observations from a person who has always felt that there is more than one correct answer to the questions in life, the universe and everything… and no, one of those answers is not “42”.

It seems that when ever we think that we are figuring things out and getting the gist of life, there is always something that comes along and proves that we are either wrong, or right, but on the wrong path.  You win the lotto one month after you declare bankruptcy, you wreck your car on the way to get your “Safe Driver” award from your company.  You fail a sobriety test on your way to your AA meeting, you find out you are pregnant a three months after you are told you are sterile and decide to quit the pill and have fun.  Things like that.

There are also those people that seem to hide in the pathway of your life just to jump out and give you a wedgie when you least expect it.  The silly friend that you did not expect to meet you at a lunch appointment.  The crazy aunt(s) that you just recently realized really are the spawn of Satan incarnate (can you say Avis and Marlene?.)

If I have learned any one thing in my forty years of living, it is that the world is a crazy place.  Full of things that are either there to help you or hinder you.  Fortunately the ones that are there to hinder you are mostly innocuous.  Things that catch you off guard and cause you to take a step back and collect your thoughts, then move forward.  Usually this last area is caused by family.  Love them though you might, they are usually the first in line with the monkey wrenches of good intent and well being.

When you look at nature, there are also things there that were meant to throw us for a loop.  Things that just seem odd or not quite right.  Beautiful flowers that are deadly poison, ugly ones that smell heavenly, pristine rivers that hide certain death, grand landscape that will invite you, then, years later when they find your body, prove that nature is still in charge.

Personally I like the way life is.  The adventure is there to keep us guessing.  The random events that we all seem to dread are just another way for nature to see if we are paying attention.  Life and the universe are full of examples of these grand and humorous contradictions…  so maybe it is the crazy that see the universe as it truly is…  the rest of us are blinded by our own idealism.

You see… I think that God… whatever god you might believe in, has a sense of humor and loves to practice it on you and I.  With this in mind, if there is a heaven… I am sure that comedians and philosophers all have the best seats and the rest of us will be the performers.

Of cars and people…

The is a book out there called “Pale Blue Dot”, by Carl Sagan.  I do like this book, but mostly for the science in it.  I try to ignore the political and eco-political parts.

But in the book, he makes and observation that has always stuck with me, especially when I am on the freeway or highway, driving to some place that might happen to be important to me, or to my wife that we be there.

He makes the arguement that if an intellegent alien race should find us and observe us, especially the northern American continent.  Should they decide they wish to meet the dominant species on this blue-green planet, they would more than likely introduce themselves to a car.

He says that from afar, they would watch as cars zip to and fro, and everywhere they go, these parasites climb into them and they take off again, seemingly to try and get rid of these parasite.  Finally stopping as the infestation leaves, only to come back again.

OK… so such an alien race would have to be pretty thick to think such a thing if they had spent any decent amount of time watching us.  But the thought does make one stop and think about it for a moment.

Look at how many cars we, especially Americans, own.  Even many people that are not financially well off have at the very least one, and sometimes two cars.

Look at how cars have not only become an integral part of our lives, but also of our culture and our history.

There are movies about cars; cars that kill, cars that win races, cars in cartoons that talk, they appear in commercials telling us what gas to buy and what tires we should get for them.

One day, as the Bible is manipulated over time and through the natural flow of events, there may be an entry in there about a car.  It will read that Noah was in a Peterbuilt towing three trailers of animals while being chased by a Texas Highway patrol and his inbred son. (My apologies to Burt Reynolds and the rest of the Bandit team.)

In fact… as Americans, especially on the west coast where mass transit means waiting 45 minutes for a bus that takes an hour and a half to get across town… at least where I live… people almost cannot live without a car.  I am a good example of how having a car makes you lazy.

Driving, it takes me five minutes to get to work.  Five minutes.  If I were to walk, at a casual pace, I could make the trip in thirty minutes.  Why do I drive?  I have two healthy legs, I even have a 10-speed bicycle.  But I drive… because… I am lazy.  As are many of us.

We want to listen to our talk radio or music in the morning, we need to stop and get our coffee, bagel, McMuffin, etc… so we drive.

I am not scoffing those of us who do it, it is just who we are.

One day, evolution, yes… I said evolution… will adjust, and some poor baby will be born with little vistigial wheels on his or her feet, and the world will rejoice.

New Bailout Mascot

Credit for image to the site linked to this picture.

Credit for image to the site linked to this picture.

I saw this image on another site… Please follow the link for the main site that is hosting the picture, but this says it best.

Something funny happened on the way to work…

So… it sounded like a good way to start a piece that I guess I will call my “Jerry Seinfield” piece.  It is a piece about, really, nothing.  I am sort of without much to comment on at the moment except political fecal matter, and I am really tired of that right at the moment.  I mean, I do have lots to say, but I think that I need to take a break from that for a bit.  Both for your sake and for mine.

How far do you have to go to get to work each day?  It does not matter if you walk, drive, bike, skip or do cartwheels.  Do you have to go a few miles or a few hundred? Or are you one of those lucky fools that works from home?

I am a little bit lucky.  I work about five minutes, driving, from home… yet I still find a way to be a couple minutes late for work at least once a week.  I blame this on bad time management on my part, nothing else.

Several years ago I was offered the oportunity to work from my home.  One of my bosses at the time, a guy named Chuck McVay, asked if I would like to work out of my home.  Thankfully I was smart enough to say no… my reasons were completely honest… I do not have the discipline to do so without being distracted by all the other things going on in my home.  I have my Blog, the TV, three dogs, two cats, a huge DVD collection, large CD collection, XBox…  anyway, I am sure you see the problem here.  At least I am big enough to admit I have a problem with it and not try then get screwed.

But the trip to work is not that bad.  I have several fast food locations to choose from along the way, a Starbucks, a gas station.  Speaking of Starbucks, if you have not already tried their breakfast sandwiches, do so.  They are actually pretty good eats.  Let’s hope that they keep them, since they are having some issues right now and might decide to take that off their menu.

Another thing that stands out to me while driving to work is the other people that I see along the way.  I mean, it is not a long trip, so there is no time to develop that interesting “I need to go faster than you” relationship that we all seem to have with the others that we meet while driving.  But there are some interesting things to be seen.  People putting on make-up, guys shaving, people eating, and the always present people talking on the phone.  That is always fun to watch, as it is just another example of what a joke the VC32123 and 32124 laws were.

The people I get the biggest kick out of watching drive are the ones with the unruly children.  These are the people that you usually can make out from about ten cars back.  The one that is weaving all over the road and the driver is half in the back seat trying to beat the kid with their cell phone or an empty Starbucks cup, having already spilled the contents on the passenger seat or in their lap.  These have to be the most entertaining of them all.  There is nothing that gets you laughing more than seeing a person losing a fight to a child by acting almost the same age as the child they are trying to get to.

If you have not noticed by now, and if you are a regular reader of mine (don’t worry, I do not think there is such a thing.) I tend to try and see the humor of the little funny things that happen through my life.  You never know when you will not have it to laugh at any more, so laugh while you can.

At times like this, I am reminded of a quote from “Buckaroo Banzai: Across the eighth dimension” (one of the greatest movies ever made!!!)

Lord John Worfin:  “Laugh while you can, Monkey-Boy.”

The trials of a would-be Messiah

One of the greatest things that any potential messiah has to overcome is the ability to not be overshadowed by that which is expected of him.  In days of old, it was common for people that were not able to prove their divinity to be taken out and stoned… and no, I do not mean they were taken out and forced to drink great quantities of liquer or smoke dope.

These days, however, people are always touting themselves as divine.  Take your pick… Jim Jones, David koresh, etc… The problem is that now adays, no one buys it anyway.  Chances are that if there really is a “Second Coming”, the person will be commited and shortly thereafter put on a heavy prescription or lobotomized.

All that being said, I offer for your consideration this train of thought suggesting that Citizen Obama is some sort of Messiah or spiritual figure.  You can see such suggestions on sites like the following:

“Is Barack Obama the Messaiah”

Reading through this site, I am not sure if the writer is poking fun at the thought that CBO is being cast in this light, or if he seriously thinks that this is the case.

My point and the reason for my writing this piece, is not to defrock CBO, not to pop the bubbles of all those zealots out there that wish to follow in the wake of his (potential) Holiness Citizen Barack Obama to whatever cup of Kool Aid he may be serving them.  But to offer a warning to anyone, including Barack, who might actually start believing this tripe.

When people put someone on a pedistal the way they have CBO, something happens that it potentially very dangerous.  That is that there is a great deal of hope and expectation.  There is a lot riding on his ability to succeed here, and people are already casting him as some end-all-be-all for the woes and troubles of America.  What happens if he does not succeed, which I suspect will be the case?  Will CBO be able to live up to all the expectations that others have for him?  Will he be able to walk up to the sea of red tape that is our political system and raise his hands and part the two sides of the house and the senate and cause bills to be passed?  Can he envoke some modern version of the twelve plauges on those that defy his will?

OK… I digress.  The point is that he has a lot of things that are expected of him that he will, more than likely, not achieve.  If people out there truly feel this way about him, then for that I actually feel sorry for him, because he has no way to win… it is a no-win scenario.

As for if he is all that people expect him to be, I am not worrying about that either… because not being a Christian, I am screwed anyway.  But if Ted Kennedy is still drinking, then CBO is going to be his new best friend, never have to pay for another drink again as long as he brings the water.

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