Throughout this journey, we have been plagued by fear. It has been, as a poet might say, our constant companion.
Not fear of having the new addition in our lives, but the fears that come with a baby in the making in general. Things that go beyond the control of mankind, things that, you might say, are left in the hands of G-d.
There are not many that would tell you that having a child over the age of forty, especially for the woman, is not fraught with potentials for risk. Add to that the fact that my wife has had a few other health issues in her life, and you are doubling the potential risk. So it is safe to say that we are taking every day with baby-steps.
We have had numerous ultrasounds and various other tests to make sure that there is nothing wrong with this little bugger, but still… there is always that fear that something might be wrong. Something the doctors missed.
It is important for me to say that should any of the tests found anything wrong, we would not have terminated the pregnancy. The only exception to that would have been two known genetic abnormalities that are almost always fatal to the newborn… in which case we would have seriously considered that, not for our sake, but so that the baby would not suffer. Anything else is something we could work through.
As each test came back with no problems, we would breathe a sigh of relief, but then would start worrying about the next step, or the next tests, or some other little problem that would come to might.
Then there is the input from others that causes worry. No… I do not think they do it intentionally, but when people start telling you to look out for certain signs or watch out for this or that, then you cannot help but start to feel that pressure return. That worry or fear that maybe something you are doing is wrong.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think that having a child would be such a roller-coaster ride. I mean this from both the emotional as well as the spiritual aspects. There is so much that I am having to reevaluate in my life. Suddenly there are things that used to be important that now deserve little more than a cursory glance. Decisions that I make now, I am not only making for myself or Naty, but for the baby as well.
But a have to admit something to you all.
I am loving every minute of it and I would not trade these feelings for anything in the world. The fears, worry, excitement… all of it. It is all a build up for something great.
This is going to be a great ride. Or as my favorite author, Hunter S Thompson, might say: “Buy the ticket, take the ride!”